Wednesday, July 30, 2008

'Nother Guest Blogger Submission: The Bat!

The following comes courtesy of another one of my cousins; you met her before during my "Road Trip Nightmare". She had still another nightmare recently and I asked her to share it with you. This Guest Blogger is frightened of crickets, so I can't imagine her on:

Holy fricking bat in my house, Batman!

It was a typical Thursday night. 8pm: I had just finished putting my children to bed [a 5 ½ year old son, and a soon-to-be 3 year old daughter] and headed downstairs for some peace and quiet. With my husband out of town, I spent a few minutes cleaning the kitchen and decided to take the opportunity to plow through some work emails so I wouldn't' be so overwhelmed in the morning. At this point, it was a little after 9pm [I know this, because I remember looking down at the clock on my computer and thinking 'WHY am I still working at 9:16pm?']. Just as I was considering getting up from the table and going to watch some television, I noticed movement out of the corner of my eye. I casually looked up – and to my horror a BAT was flying right at me!!! It scared the sh*t out of me!!!!!

I didn't see where he went (certain that all bats are "he"), and really had no interest in following him. I was more concerned with the fact that - while my daughter's bedroom door was shut, my son's was wide open and I had visions of the bat flying into his room to suck his blood dry. So I did the only thing I could think to do... I ran out of my house as fast as I could and knocked on my neighbor's door. Imagine their surprise when, late at night, I show up on their doorstep looking like I had just seen a wild beast [and let's face it, hadn't I?]

[SIDE NOTE: I actually have the choice of two neighbors to go to. One neighbor ~ I'll call him J. Edgar ~ lives directly across the street, and is a secret service agent. He leaves the house every morning – kissing his wife and two little girls goodbye – with a gun around his waist. Had it been a burglar who had invaded my house – J. Edgar would be THE guy. Braxton is the other neighbor – in sales, he does NOT carry a gun. I'm guessing Braxton could NOT wrestle a burglar to the ground as fast as J. Edgar could. can see that I have carefully thought this through. But let's face it – I wasn't dealing with a burglar…I was dealing with a wild animal in my house that was possibly spitting rabies out of its mouth. J. Edgar is 5'9"…and Braxton is 6'5"… so I went with the tall guy.]

Believe it or not, Braxton knew just what to do. He has apparently had bats in his own house once or twice. He armed himself with a tennis racket and a baseball cap, and we began the walk back to my "cave".

We searched [ok…he searched, I followed] for over 30 minutes, and could not find that damn thing. Braxton tried to convince me that the bat could have flown out of the house when I ran out…but I wasn't buying it. I kept thinking – surely there has to be some sort of 9-1-1 number to call for this type of thing, right? Braxton, speaking from experience said no, that I should just wait until the morning and call an exterminator.

Now, someone please tell me, how could I possibly go to bed knowing that that beast was still in my home…ready to attack me and my children at just the right moment? I was sure he was ready to drag my poor babies to some damp, twisted "Lost Boys" cave! I was also certain that the bat KNEW my husband was out of town, and so chose this particular night to make his move.

Well, thank goodness, just as Braxton was getting ready to leave, he found the bat. He was hiding in plain sight, in my kitchen, up by the ceiling. He had blended in with my kitchen cabinets, explaining why we didn't see him each time we came into that room.

I held the door open, Braxton captured him between the racket and his cap, and took him outside. I slammed the door shut, and from my position of strength shouted 'thank you' to Braxton through the door.

Now I could sleep. Of course, my adrenalin was running like crazy, and so I don't think I calmed down and got to sleep until after midnight. When I woke up the next morning, I got on with my life…as usual. My children never knowing from what peril they had been spared.


Anonymous said...

Clearly your 'guest blogger' is a 'hemingway housewife'...a diamond in the rough...clearly immensely talented and yet trapped in some sort of BANKING job (i'm guessing).

THIS IS A TRAVESTY!! this type of sublime wit and ability to weave this kind of literary spell over the reader is a rare gift indeed. MORE GUEST BLOGGER i say!

whoever this vixen is...she has surely me under her spell. next time her husband is out of town i'm making it my business to come to her "rescue". "braxton" missed his chance!

E said...

Here here! I wholeheartedly agree with your perceptive assessment - my guest bloggers are highly intelligent and gifted women who also happen to be incredibly attractive and sexy.

That husband of hers is taking an unthinkable risk leaving her home alone to fend off bats and other...plundering beasts.

The thought also occurs that the bat was planted by ~ Braxton perhaps? ~ to gain Guest Blogger's confidence for when the crickets are let loose.

Brenda said...

Okay ... now you've made me relive one of my teenage terror scenes ... a time when a baby bat got tangled in my hair! Like the heroine here -- and why not call her a heroine for all that she endured -- I chose flight once I realized what I'd just freed from my shoulder-length tresses. Well, I grabbed my neck as if to protect it from Dracula and ran into the garage. To this day, I still grapse my neck when I'm frightened! (Great story even if it brought back unpleasant memories!)

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