The Great Virginia Snowfall of 2009

It’s not unusual to get snow in Northern Virginia in the winter months, though it is unusual to get two feet of it in one big dump. That’s about what we got Friday night through Sunday morning. It was light and dry and beautiful. The prospect of a white Christmas, so missed by my daughter and, made the weekend a cozy pleasure.

Of course, light, dry and beautiful snow only served to spotlight the idiots. Headlines today are full of the idiot plain clothes cop in DC who brandished his gun at some happy-go-lucky idiots having a snowball fight.

A few suggestions for my fellow Virginians:

• If you can only drive 2 mph in a snowstorm, you shouldn’t be on the road. You are a menace.
• Women who stand in the middle of the road watching their husbands shovel out the driveway must understand that they aren’t helping their husband and that they are a danger to themselves and others. YOU NEED TO MOVE when a car is coming down the street. If you are deaf and can’t hear the traffic, you need to stay indoors. Cars can hurt you, you imbecile.
• The Virginia Department of Transportation should focus a little more on cleaning the ice-potholed secondary streets coated with an inch and a half of hard-pack snow and ice. Go to New York or Colorado and take in a seminar on the basics of snow removal if you have to. If I wreck my car because you are stupid, I’m going to sue you.
• People who require a brisk morning constitutional should NOT walk on said snow-packed unclean secondary streets. See, snow and ice are fickle masters – they might drag my tires straight into you, you retard. Go plow out a trench around your house and walk around that.
• People who think that it is the height of snowy fun to load your three year old on to a sleigh and slide down your snow covered street into on-coming traffic – sister, you deserve to win a Darwin Award. You should die and take your kid with you so it won’t infect other generations with your half-wit DNA.

Idiots.

The Commute

I want to apologize to all the commuters on the Greenway this morning. It seems that no matter what lane I moved to, the traffic slowed to a crawl. After several frustrated lane adjustments, I realized that I was the problem and stayed in one lane. The other three lanes moved well and I decided that that was my contribution to the commute for the day.

So really, 3/4 of you should be thanking me.

You may begin at any time.

Good and Evil

Bee Gees Song of the Day: One More Look at the Night

I guess I've never been more on my own
And the thought of you makes me cry
'cause you made me feel like sunshine
There's a danger, you ain't forever
Watching the memory die

Interesting day today. I was exposed to both good and evil.

I think it started as far back as yesterday. I got a call from an old high school friend and in the course of the call, she admitted she had read my blog and had mentioned the Butterfly Effect blog that I had, for the most part, forgotten about.

Then earlier today, I went to subway for lunch. An old woman was standing outside Subway and she held up an index card. She alleged she could not speak the language. "I am a single mother of four children. I have no money for food. Please help me feed my children." Never faced with begging directly, I was moved and gave her money. I'm not telling you this to thank me and I'm not telling you this so you can tell me how irresponsible my action was. (She's just going to buy crack with it!") Berate me if you want. I did what I thought was right. I did it for the sisterhood, I did it for a single mom struggling to feed her kids; and even if it was for an old doxie trying to raise money to satisfy her pimp's drug addiction, I did it because I was moved enough to help her. I paid it foward. That was it, end of story.

As I walked into Subway I thought that maybe the cosmos would reward me. Maybe someone would give me a boat load of cash. Eh. Probably not. I promptly forgot about it.

Later in evening, I was on my way home from work. Truth be told, I was on my way to a fledgling meeting of the Legion of Mary at a neighboring parish. I had wanted to be there to support the new group, being an active member at my own parish. The roads were damp having rained intermittently throughout the day. And at 7:00 pm, it was dark out. I was on Route 7 headed west towards Leesburg at on a Friday evening. Traffic was typical; heavy.

My front driver's side tire went flat.

Guess I wasn't going to make the meeting.

I pulled over onto an exit ramp. At least I was out of traffic (or so I thought). I found my jack (my boys, only weeks before had shown me how to use it to change the oil in my car, so I had some familiarity). As I was jacking up the car, I was approached by an angel wearing the guise of a shirt and tie. "Need some help?"

"That would be great." We introduced ourselves, found the lug wrench, pulled out the donut and Scott started jacking up the car. "I'd like to think that if my wife were in the same situation, someone would help her." God Bless him.

Be warned friends. Satan and his legions were obviously released from hell this evening; the apocalypse is upon us in the form of crap hole drivers! Though we both had our hazard lights on, I shone the flashlight between Scott and traffic - Scott so he can see what he was doing and traffic, so that they could see that people were on the road. The actual turn off to the exit was 200 yards up the road. Go around folks, go around.

Can you believe that some of the demonic sons of pigs or jackals or mastiffs actually pulled onto the exit ramp and came within inches of hitting us? WTF? Does NO ONE in Northern Virginia get tested on the definition and clear message that HAZARD LIGHTS mean slow the bleep down? When they see people squatting down by a car tire, is it so HARD TO INTUIT that someone has a flat tire or car trouble and CAUTION should be observed?

Scott finished putting on the donut, gave me some advice about how fast to drive, how to get back home, and how far I could adequately drive on the spare. He put everything back in my trunk for me and we shook hands. He would take no money and just wished me luck.

I had done someone a kindness earlier today. In turn, a kindness was bestowed on me. In the past, whenever someone has done me a good turn, I remember them in my prayers. I can go for years asking God to bless them and their families. I will pray for Scott, I will pray for the aging mother of four, and I will pray for the dangerously stupid who populate the roads of Northern Virginia.

They may not know they are evil, but I do.

Commute Rant

Two years driving in Northern VA has taught me a great deal.

I’ve learned that VA drivers slow down at the threat of snow. They slow down at the sight of flakes. They slow down when it rains and they slow down when it’s sunny. The only time VA drivers proceed at a normal pace is when it is overcast in the summer. VA drivers do NOT heed any weather restrictions though, when riding your bumper. They speed up actually, slam into you from behind causing $2400 worth of damage to your trunk.

Just some of my assembled wisdom.

Yesterday, I came up with yet another “VA Commute Constant”:

“The randiness of the couple in front of one is directly proportional to the size of the accident five miles ahead.”

I had the pleasure of driving behind a darling little couple from the University of Virginia yesterday on Route 28. I assumed one of them attended UVA only because of the bumper stickers, the vanity plates, and the team mascot plastered on the back window. Maybe she borrowed her sister’s car. I dunno.

I do know that the fella in the passenger seat was feeling a bit libidinous as he kept leaning over and giving her little pecks on her ear. And on her cheek. And on her neck. And on her shoulder. Not hard to guess what he was pecking as he leaned into the steering wheel.

Our blonde female driver reveled in the attention. In fact, each time our cars were forced to come to a halt due to the traffic, there was a sudden leaning in toward the middle of the front seat and feverish clinging-to of lips and arms and flailing.

And there was a four car pile up ahead.

Part of me rejoiced in young love. Part of me sniggered at it. Somewhere something unbidden said, “If they lived in Hussein’s Iraq, she’d get stoned in public.”

I’m a bitter bitter woman.