I Gotta Tell Ya

I received several suggestions from dear friends and readers on how to self-treat my self-diagnosed arthritis.  I even had a gifted Doctor of Linguistics urge me to eschew the castor oil and go to an MD.  

Having outright self-rejected the lukewarm water enemas, I decided last week to break down and buy Glucosamine Chondroitin.  CVS had a buy one get one sale on some brand that had 50 extra pills in it, so I figured, deal deal!  $21 for one bottle though, so you know the markup has to be stupid.  Bitter when I read that it would take 4-6 weeks to kick in.  Tomorrow will mark one week of near-religious dosage.

I gotta tell you, I’m feeling some alleviation of my symptoms!  I didn’t expect to, so I don’t think it’s a placebo effect.  Make no mistake; there’s still some pain but it isn’t as sharp as it was last week.  I’m not perpetually rubbing my thumb and elbow and I’m not downing Excedrin at all.  I am now enthusiastic about my self-prognosis. 

It was a busy weekend otherwise; my daughter’s prom went nearly without a hitch - - $75 up-do fail caused some drama for a half hour, but that was quickly fixed.  Otherwise, last minute boutonnieres, makeup and toe nail polish were executed with perfection and a good time was had by all. 

Monday started splendidly, the weather was fine and my colleague and I were feeling adventurous.  We investigated a highly touted food court and I was pleased with the salad bar.  For about an hour.   Until it started shooting right through me.  When it threatened to shoot out multiple orifices, I decided it was time to go home.  Chicken broth is a lot better for dinner than I thought.  I was better by evening.

Today, Wednesday, I was feeling bright and perky.  One of my bosses suggested we take advantage of another local establishment’s Wednesday special of Singapore Noodles.  A favorite of mine since my days in Alexandria.  I took him up on it and enjoyed every bite.  For about an hour.  I’m back in the bathroom. 

I’ve ruled out cholera, typhoid fever, parasites and salmonella and have dramatically self-diagnosed amoebic dysentery.  Not really, but it’s certainly taking my mind off of the arthritis. 

Eager Arthritis Homeopathy

I have not been stricken with a headache since earlier in the week, but I am still suffering with the joint pain, which I have decided is arthritis.  I attribute this pleasure to both parents and their damnable arthritis-laden dna strands.  Yet another hurdle placed on the track of my life. 

I’m game enough to see if I can find an alternative remedy for my self-diagnosis.  What you should take away from this is:

1. I’m young enough to I think I can tough out the pain
2. I’m too cheap to buy Glucosamine Chondroitin
3. I’m too cheap to pay the $20 copay to get a real diagnosis
4. I’m still in denial of my aging process.

When I got home Wednesday evening, I was in enough discomfort to give the “warm olive oil rub” a try.  I had some in the cupboard, so it wasn’t like I had to go out and buy it (cheeeeeep cheeeeep cheeeeep).  At the same time, and just to play it safe, I took 200 mgs of ibuprofen as well.  The olive oil was nicely soothing, I wrapped my thumb in an old sock (NOT the alien master race vehicle that IS red flannel!) and I sensed an alleviation in my symptoms.  Well that was easy!  I felt the smugness of the effortlessly triumphant as I fell easily into sleep.

The next day, I remembered I had taken ibuprofen so I wasn’t sure if the that took away the pain or the olive oil did.  Craaaaaap.

Last night, in an effort to test the truth of the olive oil cure, I decided to go anti-inflammatory-free and just put the lovely warm oil on my thumb and elbow.  I wrapped my happy sock around the thumb, and waited for the magic to happen.  It didn’t.  Awwwwwww,craaaaap.

I want to avoid using aspirin and ibuprofen to excess, since I can envisage my stomach lining disintegrating, it’s molecules wafting up then bursting into nothingness.  I’d like to exhaust all my “already have the stuff at home” methods.  The olive oil tanked and I have vinegar, so I’ll try the “warm vinegar rub” tonight…see if that works. 

If that proves a disappointment, my next grocery list will include ginger (for ginger tea), some cayenne pepper, and castor oil (where do you buy castor oil?). 

You know I will keep you posted, and I welcome suggestions.  As long as it doesn’t blister me, corrode my skin, is made of blechy eggs or gets me arrested, I might give it a try.  However, there’s still no way I’m going to squirt lukewarm water up my backside. 

Craaaaaaaaap, indeed.