Friday, May 22, 2009

Eager Arthritis Homeopathy

I have not been stricken with a headache since earlier in the week, but I am still suffering with the joint pain, which I have decided is arthritis.  I attribute this pleasure to both parents and their damnable arthritis-laden dna strands.  Yet another hurdle placed on the track of my life. 

I’m game enough to see if I can find an alternative remedy for my self-diagnosis.  What you should take away from this is:

  1. I’m young enough to I think I can tough out the pain
  2. I’m too cheap to buy Glucosamine Chondroitin
  3. I’m too cheap to pay the $20 copay to get a real diagnosis
  4. I’m still in denial of my aging process.

When I got home Wednesday evening, I was in enough discomfort to give the “warm olive oil rub” a try.  I had some in the cupboard, so it wasn’t like I had to go out and buy it (cheeeeeep cheeeeep cheeeeep).  At the same time, and just to play it safe, I took 200 mgs of ibuprofen as well.  The olive oil was nicely soothing, I wrapped my thumb in an old sock (NOT the alien master race vehicle that IS red flannel!) and I sensed an alleviation in my symptoms.  Well that was easy!  I felt the smugness of the effortlessly triumphant as I fell easily into sleep.

The next day, I remembered I had taken ibuprofen so I wasn’t sure if the that took away the pain or the olive oil did.  Craaaaaap.

Last night, in an effort to test the truth of the olive oil cure, I decided to go anti-inflammatory-free and just put the lovely warm oil on my thumb and elbow.  I wrapped my happy sock around the thumb, and waited for the magic to happen.  It didn’t.  Awwwwwww,craaaaap.

I want to avoid using aspirin and ibuprofen to excess, since I can envisage my stomach lining disintegrating, it’s molecules wafting up then bursting into nothingness.  I’d like to exhaust all my “already have the stuff at home” methods.  The olive oil tanked and I have vinegar, so I’ll try the “warm vinegar rub” tonight…see if that works. 

If that proves a disappointment, my next grocery list will include ginger (for ginger tea), some cayenne pepper, and castor oil (where do you buy castor oil?). 

You know I will keep you posted, and I welcome suggestions.  As long as it doesn’t blister me, corrode my skin, is made of blechy eggs or gets me arrested, I might give it a try.  However, there’s still no way I’m going to squirt lukewarm water up my backside. 

Craaaaaaaaap, indeed.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Oh for Bleep’s Sake

Yeah, so the headache stuck through yesterday.  Better today and contrails I’m glad of it.  I decided that it must be the result of some sort of monster pollen engineered by Mother Nature as a response to animal hormone injections, airplane contrails, biotech corn killing off the monarch butterfly population, terrorist activity or alien master race implantation.

Not really.  But I do think the pollen is nasty this year. 

However, my complaint du jour is not the government-assisted ragweed.  It is joint pain.  Pain in the thumb and elbow of my left arm.  And because I know how it works (the finger bone’s connected to the hand bone, the hand bone’s connected to the arm bone, the arm bone’s connected to the shoulder bone, them bones, oh them skeleton bones), I’m expecting the crippling effects of arthritis to debilitate my shoulder tomorrow.  I’m envisioning my left hand gnarling up and hardening any day now.

The good news is that my left hand is not dominant, so I will be able to sign my social security checks and swat at mouthy children.  I also look forward to getting a handicap designation for my car.  I’m all for looking at the silver lining.

nettles In the meantime, I’m investigating homeopathic remedies.  Some appear to be very soothing, others are a little, uhm…no.  The lukewarm enema for a few days to flush out my system?  A big fat NO.  The nettle soup doesn't sound too easy to make.  The water and potato juice drink…ew.  I could rub warm olive oil on the effected areas, or possibly warm vinegar.  I'll smell like a salad.  I'm unwilling to spend $20 for a few glucosamine chondroitin tablets.  For now anyway.  If it gets bad enough, I might.  So expensive though. 

I think I'll try the olive oil rub tonight.  See if it helps.  Oh, and I red flannel could wrap it in RED flannel.  I don't know why exactly it has to be RED flannel.  I get the flannel part – soft and warm – it’s nice.  I’m unschooled, though, in the medicinal properties of the red dye.  Maybe it makes it WARMER.  Maybe it seeps into your warmed pores, lays red eggs, feeds on the inflammation, then exudes alien master race spores into the atmosphere causing the monster pollen that will give me another two-day headache. 

I’m just not sure. But I guess it’s a good thing I don’t have any red flannel handy.

Monday, May 18, 2009


I’m sleepy today; the result of nodding off on my couch in an awkward position with the television left on.  The by-product - a bad night, a tired day, a sore neck and a dull ache that won’t relinquish it’s hold on my poor poor head. 

A night of busy dreams about teeth.  Teeth of all things.  This could mean several things I suppose;

  1. metaphorically – perhaps I need to “sink my teeth” into a problem;
  2. emotionally – for all I know I may have anxiety about the way I am perceived by others;
  3. perceptually – conceivably there was an infomercial on at some point in the night about teeth whitening that my subconscious picked up;
  4. prophetically – an old acquaintance of mine is a dentist – it may be that I will receive and email or;
  5. physically - maybe I just need to make an dental appointment. 

Regardless, I’ve been lacking the enthusiasm that usually sparks the day and have felt apologetic.  A little revived this afternoon, I’m still fuzzy and off my game.  Not the end of the world.  She’s awfully tiny and speaks in a tentative whisper, but my inner optimist tells me that tomorrow I will better appreciate the warmth of the sun, the clearness of my head, and life in general.  It’s all good.

Yeah.  I’ll be better tomorrow.  Wait and see.

Friday, May 1, 2009

The Flu

It might just be me. 

swine “They” don’t want to call it the Swine Flu anymore – I don’t know if that’s in deference to our Jewish and Muslim friends who find pork  offensive or if “they” wanted to be more clinically accurate in referring to this lovely strain as H1N1.

I can’t help myself.  I now read it as “heiney”. 

Yeah.  Probably just me.

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